


You will always find a Mary Sue even if the author tries really hard not to include her

by tafih



Category: Gintama
Genre: F/M, Mary Sue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-20
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2017-12-05 22:51:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/728793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tafih/pseuds/tafih
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Be prepared for a battle against Fate and its enforcers for the universe of Gintama has met its unlikely match: the dreaded Mary Sue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gintama already has so many female characters...does it really need any more? OF COURSE IT DOES!

Earth - a planet and place completely transfigured during a summer day by the arrival of black ships that filled the once clear skies.

Their fearsome arrival, unknown to most, was heralded by the birth of a single babe born into a family of samurai in the land of Nippon.

So as pitch and metal descended from the heavens, that lone daughter made her first cries as the rest of the world made their cries of fear and inquiry.

Fate and Change had intertwined together and birthed her, the only daughter born on that most ominous day. Fate and Change yielded her to foretell a future that will forever connect her legacy and heir to the land and to the foreigners that invaded it.

Twenty years following that day of birth - birth to a world forever changed and birth to a child forever chained - Fate and Change will finally witness the collision.

What began in the heat of summer will end in the chill of winter.

* * *

Autumn in Edo is slowly being consumed by a subtle frigidity. As the city's people went about their lives, unaware of the creeping of the cold, miles away and miles above, a large and ominous ship floated above them, its intentions dark. Within its forbidding walls, a dozen figures sat in veiling darkness. An electrical hum and a distinct ambiance of their great power emanated about them.

They are the Tendoshuu.

Before them knelt a man - a retainer of prestige, a kashin - shrouded in shadows and submission.

"How long has she been undergoing re-indoctrination?" a voice resounded from one of the Amanto leaders.

"A month," the man replied.

"Will that be enough?" Another asked.

"No," the man responded. "Her habit to resist always seems to endure after every attempt but anymore will endanger her chances. If I may my lords, I suggest we introduce her into society while maximizing her . If we fail to act soon, her value as an asset will amount to nothing."

"But our legacies will continue," one laughed.

"What control would we have over which direction our legacies go? Why should we depend on this one insignificant woman?"

"We have no other choice. The current shogun is getting ideas. And due to Sada Sada's actions, we have been losing our grip on the bakufu."

"If we want to continue to use Earth's resources and keep our hold, we have no other choice but to rely on this prophecy."

"Which has been substantiated multiple times."

"So all agreed?"

All of them nodded in approval and the one at the head points out above their mortal servant who asked in subordination, "What are your orders, my lords?"

"Call in the warden and order her to find the quickest way to impregnate that woman."

* * *

"Oi, you lazy sheep. Wake up."

Gintoki batted his eyes at the sound of a female voice that did not belong to the alien girl living in his closet; yet it resonated to the point of complete familiarity.

Ah, he certainly knew that voice.

"Why should I wake up early on a weekend?" he groaned as he turned into his pillow.

"Hey, hey. You need to eat breakfast, don't you?"

"Inowannaeat~" [translation: I no wanna eat].

The voice emitted a sigh of disbelief. "Honto?" she said, drawing out her vowels. "Even though there's Ichigo Gyu-nnu and waffles?"

Gintoki turned his head slightly to squint at his conversation partner, to figure out who she was. But he already knew.

"Haru. You're supposed to be dead." He repositioned himself and placed his arm over his eyes to block out the burning light. "Really now? I feel pretty alive." she smiled.

He dared to steal a peek. The morning sun shone with incredible brilliance behind her, illuminating her smiling face. An overwhelming white, offset by pinks and blues. Gintoki instinctively raised his hand to cup her cheek.

"Ah! Maybe it's because I'm alive in your heart?"

"Ew." His hand retracted and his arm was again placed over his squinting eyes.

"That was a harsh response." She sneered then chuckled. "But we would be the last people on earth to exchange such words. Eh, Sakata?"

"You're still as annoying as ever," Gintoki grumbled as he sat up in his futon. "Har-,"

And with that, she vanished. Blinked once, blinked twice. No longer skewed by drowsiness, his cleared eyes revealed his empty room, his empty bedside and his empty thoughts. Shinpachi could be heard making his way into the flat with a chipper greeting. The apprentice calls for the Yato and his superior to awake. The door to Kagura's closet could be heard opening with a slide and a bang. The same occurs with the doors to Gintoki's room.

"Oh, Gin-san. How strange. You're never awake if I arrive early… Did you have to take a sh*t?" Shinpachi said the last part with deadpan eyes and utter insolence. But instead of giving the expected response full of yelling and swears, Gintoki simply glanced at the futon, shoved his fingers into his hair and scoffed. "I just had a nightmare."

* * *

"Well, we leave her in your care then," Matsudaira proclaimed in his thick, sultry accent. The doors of his office slammed shut with a loud bang signaling the rejection of any possible objection.

Thus, Hijikata and Okita stood in exasperated silence outside the commissioning room of the National Police Agency Headquarters in the middle of greater Edo.

Hijikata sighed as he lowered his hand that was reaching for, possibly, Matsudaira's neck, and pulled out the slip of paper he was given.

"So, Yamamoto Keiko-san, I guess you will be in our care-" Hijikata turned to face his client but was met with a cold glare, literally.

A great chill overwhelmed him and a frost formed on his face. "Che," the woman spat then began to mumble out some other gibberish.

Hijikata rubbed his hands together in an attempt to get warm. Okita stood to the side staring at the intricate embossing of the door handles while their charge stormed off in a slur of unidentifiable drivel.

"Oi!" Hijikata cried after pocketing his hot-pack, running after the mumbling madwoman but not without dragging his sadistic partner along with him.

Minutes passed and their client still grumbled out unintelligible prattle while sitting in the back of a Shisengumi cruiser as the Captain of the First Division drove through the streets of Edo.

Okita peered at her through the review mirror and inwardly smiled at the fact that she unwaveringly glared at Hijikata with incredible hatred. Lot of bitterness from a woman who looked like she was a trophy wife for some rich bigwig.

"Hijikata-san," Okita's voice droned after a lengthy moment, "I don't think that she likes you."

"Ya' think!?" he shouted as he faced his lesser, revealing the side of him that has been iced over by their client's constant cold stare. Then a punch hit his cheek and his face swung back to facing the windshield, shattering some of the ice on his cheeks.

"Oi," she growled, "Keep your eyes on the road," All Hijikata could in such a chill was to go: "Kggggh" in response. He wasn't even driving, why did it matter that he had his eyes on the road or not?

Okita, on the other hand, completely approved and his previously inward smile made its way across his typically placid face.

The cruiser reached a construction site on a decently clear city road and a man dressed in an orange safety gear waved them down.

"What's going on here?" Hijikata asked as the car window rolled down with a "duuuurrr."

The man in the construction garb simply approached the car with his head down, the construction helmet concealing his features. Then he threw a small object into the car. Hijikata and Okita blinked twice as they stared at the device that bounced in.

 _Beep Beep Beep_ and a distinct hiss resounded as a gas suddenly poured out from the device and into the car. Thick grey smoke and the her muffled screams constituted the last few seconds before their grips on reality loosened. 

* * *

 

When they returned from the blackness of unconsciousness, the two Shinsengumi officers found themselves, wrists and ankles bound, in a deserted alleyway.

The grumble of the construction still audible from where they were laid. "Dammit," Hijikata spat as he struggled against his bindings. He started churning out theories and a semblance of a plan.

(1) The sun had set considerably since the ambush. Therefore, it's been at least an hour or two, two and a half at most.

(2) The ambushers only bothered to take the woman and bind the highest-ranking officers of the Shinsengumi instead of slaying them. Therefore, their motives probably only have to deal with her.

(3) The ambushers only binded the highest-ranking officers of the Shinsengumi instead of slaying them. Therefore, they must be stupid and can, henceforth, be easily taken care of once the bindings are off.

Unfortunately, most of Hijikata's assumptions were wrong.

"Hijikata-saaaan," Okita droned again in his dead voice, "You lost our charge." But before Hijikata could make a violent comeback, there was the sharp technical noise of static.

"Citizens of Edo!" proclaimed a newscaster from a THE EDO broadcast from a large screen on the building across from them.

Hijikata noticed the time displayed on the corner of the television. 4 hours passed since they left Matsudaira with their charge. (1) was wrong.

"We are under the orders of members of the Anti-Bakufu faction who are currently in the studio holding the staff hostage. As of now, I repeat, THE EDO is under the control of the paramilitary!"

"Oi!" a voice from offscreen shouted. "Show the damn live!"

"They are now ordering us to show you this video feed being filmed live from an unknown location."

The screen switches to television snow for a moment before focusing on a group of heavily dressed and masked individuals standing around a person bound to a chair with a sack over their head.

"We are the Joui faction Hyadaruko and this message is for our failing government and for the cowards who follow the debacle of a Joui leader called Katsura Kotaro!" The masked man who shouted the words of incitement pulled the sack off of their victim and showed her face to reveal her identity as the woman of ice.

Both Hijikata and Okita grimaced. Matsudaira was going to have their hides for this. And, (2) was wrong.

"I present to you, Katsura Haru, the recent hostage of the Shinsengumi and the sister of Katsura Kotaro!"

"Well, this escalated quickly."

"Shut up, Sougo."

(3) was a coin-toss.


	2. It's quite easy to get information out of a woman; it just depends on what kind of information she spews out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...in which our Mary Sue gets no characterization except for the fact that she has an affinity for a certain course of action when it comes to men.

"Now! We demand that Edo and the government acknowledge the supremacy of the Hyadaruko. Look at the face of the woman that the Shinsengumi could barely keep as a detainee for more than an hour. Look at the face of the woman that her own brother, Katsura Kotaro, could not protect. Look at her!" he grabbed her hair and forced her to face the camera.

Her left eye bruised and her bottom lip swollen, she looked the part of the hostage.

But then...

"Whoooah! Kasio-kun*! You even got a video streaming station set up!" Keiko's face transformed into the bright features of an excited schoolgirl. "With this and the bruise make-up you put on me you're really going to convince these people that this is an actual hostage situation. Good job, Kasio-kun!" [Kasio as a play on the Casio electronics company… because that is the Gintama way.]

The two Shinsengumi officers reacted with incredulous sneers and wide eyes.

Then Hijikata noticed a crowd forming below the large screen in the middle of town. He shouted out to the pedestrians for assistance, despite his pride and his reluctance in saving the woman of many personalities. He still needed to get out of his constraints and rescue her, even if she was crazy. He just needed to. [CoughCoughCough]

He shouted again and even begrudgingly threw in some honorifics but no one responded or even indicated that they could hear him over the construction grumble and the unconventional conversations coming from the screen.

"But Kasio-kun, your taste in themed parties is a bit weird, though." She sighed as if she were his childhood friend and couldn't accept a certain shortcoming of his.

"CHIGAU! It's not like that!" the speaker shouted while facing the camera, as if making eye contact with the audience (with his mask on) would persuade them of her fabrication.

"This really is the sister of Katsura Kotaro," he insisted.

"Who's Katsura? Oh wait, sorry, I forgot the names you put in the script you gave me."

"You! You are not in the position to be –,"

"Kaasiooo-kuuuun, why are you complaining? Even when you asked me to do this for you?" she whined, then sighed and glanced offside, "This party isn't fun anymore."

"It's not a party! And who's Kasio-kun, huh? AM I A CALCULATOR!?"

"Of course! What else would you be?" she smiled back. "Besides you-!" A loud slap interrupted her string of nonsense.

A sharp gasp echoed from the crowd. Hijikata scowled at the sight while managing to pull out his mayonnaise lighter. He figured that he could burn and loosen the ropes around his wrists at the possible expense of burning himself. He needed to be careful.

"Oops! I bumped into you." Okita exclaimed as he tackled his superior to the ground, making Hijikata really burn himself and drop the lighter.

"You did that on purpose, kono yaro! Now how are we going get loose?!"

Okita held up a pocketknife with his freed hands while staring at the Vice-commander with his usual flat and deadpan stare. Then he grinned nefariously.

"...You could've pulled that out before." Hijikata commented with a defeated tone.

"Kasio-kun, you're going a bit too far with this. It's only a party, ya know?" she still managed to say while wincing from the pain.

"That's it. Stop the live feed. I'm going to teach this broad a lesson." He grabbed her by the collar and roughly forced her bruised face up to his. "You think you're so great, huh? You're just like any other woman and I'm going to treat you like the harlot you are. You're going to be screaming while I d-!"

TINK!

The man dropped to the ground, moaned and groaned in pain as he grabbed his crotch, rocking himself back and forth. This time a sympathetic "Ooooh" came from the crowd. Men (not excluding our favorite officers of the Shinsengumi) cringed from the imagined pain. Well, Okita actually nodded approvingly as he worked off his bindings and dusted himself off.

"You can't really 'treat' me like anything without your balls, huh?" Keiko smiled slyly down at her victim.

He craned his head to face her but rather than words of retort flying from his lips there were more groans and moans.

Then a figure came from behind the camera and up to her, with a confident saunter. He approached her, gripped her face with one firm hand, secured her aggressive legs with the other hand, and smiled creepily. "Boss," the others whispered as he glared at their hostage. She glared back with greater ferocity.

"Don't even think about trying that with me. I can handle damaged goods no matter how feisty you are." Her eyes widened. The leader was now certain that she wouldn't make another peep.

But then she shouted: "Uwah! It's Customer Service-kun!"

In the next moment, the boss sat in the corner of the room while draped in dark frustration. "I wasn't even a company," he whined. "I was Customer service," Another member approached him and patted his shoulder.

"It's ok, boss."

"Anyway," Keiko turned back to the camera. "Things are getting boring over here. So to everyone out there, if you want to join this lame costume ball..."

To this, Okita's said: "Ooh, she upgraded the party to a costume ball." "Don't comment on the pointless stuff!" Hijikata yelled at him. He angrily pulled out his phone and violently pushed several buttons.

The small rectangular LCD screen read: 'Calling: Yamazaki.' "Hijikata-san, what are you doing?" Okita asked. "I need to have Yamazaki figure out where she is, so a division can execute an ambush."

On screen, Keiko (or Haru?) continued, "...then come to the docks, Warehouse 8." Okita released a patronizing laugh and glanced towards his superior who had hunched over from embarrassment.

Yamazaki picked up on the other end. "Yes, Vice-commander?" could be heard with the expected telephone fuzz.

"Make sure that at least one division heads over to the broadcasting station and another to the docks to take care of this terrorist crap. Then you come and pick me and Sougo up and take us to the docks." "Hai! Wakarimashita!" The Vice-commander snapped his phone shut and avoided eye contact with his lesser.

"Nice cover-up."

"Shut up, Sougo."

On the screen, "DON'T REVEAL OUR LOCATION!" the patriots yelled at her in horror. Visible sweat drops appeared on their faces through their masks. "How did you know which warehouse we were in anyway?"

Keiko simply shook her head. "I'll have you know that I acquired incredible detective skills over the years and used noteworthy methods to decipher our exact proximity to the ocean."

The patriots stared at her in disbelief. "We forgot to blindfold you, huh?"

Another chimed in, "Oh yeah, we only covered her mouth. We put the sack on later."

"Party-poopers," Keiko sneered.

"Stop revealing our inadequacies!" the boss cried from the corner.

But, slowly, those tears stopped and soon his entire body was enwrapped with maniacal laughter. He snapped. The man rose, turned then treaded. He quickly gestured for the streaming to actually discontinue as he stalked towards the girl. But before the screen turned black, everyone watching could see – in faint outlines – him grabbing Keiko from her chair, hurling her onto the ground and dragging her into another room by her hair.

The screen cuts back to THE EDO where a member of the Jouishishi sat at the table, grinning like a child with a new toy. "I always wanted to be a broadcaster, ya know!" he exclaimed gleefully as he tapped the table with the end of a stack of papers. "Ohayo gozaimasu, mina-san!" he smirked towards the camera.

"Ano ...the streaming returned to the station," a voice commented quietly from offscreen.

"Crap."

Then a crash, a yell and a boom preceded a "SHINSENGUMI-DA!"

* * *

 

Within a few minutes, the Shinsengumi regained control of the broadcasting station and Yamazaki, Hijikata and Okita reached the warehouses.

As the three joined with their comrades in surrounding the entrance of Warehouse 8, Okita noticed the large blue 'KASIO' symbol painted on its wall. An officer approached them and quickly explained the situation. The few individuals seen in the footage were the only ones in the warehouse and could be easily managed. The only problem lay with the hostage.

Suddenly, a scream emerged from inside, prompting Hijikata to order his men to charge. They stormed the warehouse with impassioned battle cries.

Shots were fired. Swords were drawn. Blood was spilt.

The Demon Vice-commander of the Shinsengumi effortlessly disposed of several enemies but they were not his focus. He sprinted towards the room where he saw the hostage being dragged into, dodging in and out between his men, his enemies and their weapons. He flung the door open and saw

...striped panties.

Granted, there was also the body of the bloodied faction's leader on the ground, the woman who wore the striped underwear and the blood-covered chair in her hand. But the first and most important thing Hijikata Toshiro saw was the stripes. Undeniably, striped panties do the strangest things to the minds of mortal men.

But Hijikata Toshiro believed that he was not a man who would typically let things like shimapan [striped panties] affect him. But Hijikata Toshiro underestimated the power of shimapan. The shimapan won. A blush conquered his face and a muteness conquered his tongue. For three long, agonizing and embarrassing seconds, they just stared at each other. It soon became unbearable.

'Come on, think of something intelligent to say,' he thought to himself and out came: "Stripes."

Her face flared and she charged towards him, chair in hand, yelling the cry of her people. TINK! The last thing Hijikata saw was his own blood flying from his lips and a faint outline of her shimapan.

But hey, (3) actually turned out to be true.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the bad jokes and puns... I know I'm not the best.  
> This actually has been a story that I wanted to publish for a long time, maybe even three or four years ago, when I first started watching the awesomeness that is Gintama!


	3. No matter what kind of woman she may be, she will always cause some sort of trouble…and everyone hates Hijikata.

"You," Hijikata muttered in the interrogation room as he stood before a seated Keiko. Then in a falsetto voice, squealed: "Are you really Katsura's sister?"

Keiko burst out laughing while Hijikata coughed several times, trying to reinstate his manly voice. He was not enjoying this.

Wiping the tears away from her eyes from her laughter, she asked incredulously, "What does it matter to you?"

"Katsura Kotaro is one of the most wanted men in Edo for his crimes against the Shogun."

One eyebrow rose on her face in utter disbelief. "Really? From how the news paints him, he doesn't seem to be one who poses a significant threat to the head of the government, now does he?"

"..."

"...?" She smirked, almost triumphantly, at him. As if she won a debate that he wasn't even trying to participate in. He glared right into her literally sharp and cold eyes. Grey pupils that were outlined by an icy blue …and a chill engulfed him.

"Ah, sh*t."

She stifled a chuckle.

"…" He fumed. "That's it." He swerved around and stalked towards the door to the other side of the interrogation room, determined to end any future communication with her.

But before he reached the door, Okita flung it open, grabbed Hijikata's shoulders, flipped him back around and pushed him back towards the table.

"Hijikata-san, if you fail to interrogate her, you will be a failure of a policeman and that will add to the fact that you are a failure as a person."

"How can you expect me to interrogate this woman?! AND STOP INSULTING ME!"

"You're just upset that I kicked you in the balls," Keiko said, deadpan, as she shrugged her shoulders.

"YOU RAMMED A CHAIR INTO THEM! I'M NOT EVEN SURE IF I...I ...if I...if," Hijikata ended his loud tirade by suddenly lowering his voice to a whisper and blushing profusely.

Okita and Keiko smiled deviously at him.

'Crap, just what I needed. Another sadist in the mix.' Hijikata thought to himself, still blushing, of course.

"Tonikaku," Okita said, "Keiko-san, do you have any form of identification on you?" he asked with an uncharacteristic politeness, his head bowed slightly towards her.

"Ah, I do not. I apologize." She said, also with uncharacteristic politeness, and returned the gesture. "My things were supposed to be sent later on. My ID should be among them."

Hijikata became very afraid.

They were now allies, an S-team of crazy that could probably beat him down and chop him up into little pieces, marinate him and serve him with curry just with the sadistic thoughts running through their minds. He imagined himself being at their mercy, frozen in place by the woman's stare and Okita brandishing his katana while licking his lips in preparation for the kill.

"Either way," Hijikata muttered (after crying a little bit on the inside) in his typical  ** _let's try to do this seriously_**  tone as he lit a cigarette with his mayonnaise lighter, "Whether she is Katsura's sister or not, we still need to keep her. We were required to do so anyways and now we have more of a reason to...OI!"

The lady started ice-glaring at Hijikata again and frost starting forming over his cheeks.

"Stop that! Seriously. It's freaky. Dangit, my face froze over again."

"Even if you are able to tell him that I'm here, he won't come." She huffed, crossed her arms and slouched down in the metal chair. "Katsura Haru is dead. She has been dead for 5 years."

"So you are she." Hijikata attempted to say seriously with half of his face covered in icicles. It didn't work because she started glaring icily again at him.

"I just said that she was dead. The woman before you is Yamamoto Keiko. Or are you just the type of man who disregards everything a woman says?" Keiko spat.

"Why do you have such a grudge against me?"

Sougo joined her and both said, quite matter-of-factly: "Cuz' you're a bastard."

"Don't join in, S-baka!"

Keiko sighed and glanced off, bitterly. "You're going to regret associating yourself with me."

Hijikata slammed his hand on the table.

"Look here!" The demon revealed itself and was prepared to roar. "You are going to shut up and tell us what we want to know or you could be in our company for a REALLY. LONG. TIME."

Keiko clenched her teeth in readiness to release a biting comeback but then a soft clanging noise resonated into the room through the walls. Her eyes widened and she retreated into the back of her seat like a scared puppy. The clanging noise grew louder. Louder and louder, then followed by yells and screams, crashes and a screeching cat.

"Here. That person is already here." Keiko muttered, frightened.

"Who's here?"

She slowly met his gaze and in her eyes Hijikata saw genuine fear.

"My warden." She smiled worriedly.

The door flew open and a junior officer with a worried face rushed in, his hand still on the door handle. "Vice-commander, we're under attac-!"

His eyes rolled back and he fell to the ground to reveal his attacker behind him. The attacker's head bowed to follow the body to the ground then the gaze rose, revealing the death-inducing face of the scariest short old woman anyone had ever seen.

* * *

"Did you really kill him!?" Keiko asked the old woman, in horror, bounding over the table.

Hijikata and Okita already had their swords at ready- prepared to defend and attack as soon as they sensed the flooding killing intent unfit for the woman's age and stature. Simply put, she only stood a meter and a half high.

"Eh," the old woman spat indifferently, while stabbing her small heel into the soldier's back, forcing a jerk and a cough from his fallen body. "He be fine." She slurred with a thick and unrecognizable accent.

Then, the old woman took an ominous step towards them and instantly, hands went to hilts. But before the two men could draw their swords, Keiko strode in between them, pushing the tense air back with her hovering hands, as if physically telling them to stand down – or – trying to protect them.

Hijikata eyed the gesture and it ticked him off but still conceded, relaxing his stance. "Who are you?" he dared to ask.

"Johnson-san desu."

Hijikata, Keiko and Okita all exchanged glances.

"…it really is her name." Keiko confirmed.

"What kind of name is that?!" Hijikata yelled.

"Western." Everyone else replied.

"OBVIOUSLY! GRAAAAH!" He flung his hands in the air.

Johnson pointed at Hijikata as he practically chocked his frustration out of the air. "This one yells a lot, huh?"

"Everyone in this series does." Keiko commented.

"We apologize for his rudeness and his failure in being a decent human being." Okita said with a sincerely sarcastic bow, at Hijikata's expense of course.

"Oi, Sougo."

"Did you kill any of the others as you came in?" Keiko asked, cutting him off.

"No. Maybe put a few ugly ones into comas, but yeah, didn't get to kill anyone today."

"Oi…"

"Johnson!" Keiko shouted, reprimanding.

"Hey, don't get so hung up 'n it." Johnson shrugged.

"You could've asked for an official audience. Why barrel your way through like this and waste your energy?"

"Oi…"

"Well, if the Shinsengumi Headquarters can be so easily infiltrated we ought to take a look at retraining our men and replacing the Vice-Commander."

"OI!"

"Johnson is quite the skilled assassin, though. You shouldn't underestimate your force. I completely understand replacing the Vice-Commander, however." Keiko said in conventional Japanese politeness.

"Oi!"

Keiko continued, "But really, Johnson was even once an elder of the Harusame Pirates in her youth. I'm surprised that it even took her a whole minute to reach us."

"Really now?" Okita responded in equal politeness. "What made you come into caring for this crazy snow-b/witch here?" He asked, gesturing at Keiko. She glowered at the name.

"Well…" Johnson was about to start until Hijikata shouted: "Don't make small talk with the assassin!"

* * *

 

After a few more spats (mostly between Hijikata and Okita) and some explanations, Johnson-san and Keiko were left alone on the raised veranda circling the Shinsengumi quarters. Johnson had Keiko's left arm in her lap and examined it with care.

"Being tortured put your Marisu Regulator out of whack. You really ought to take better care of it." Johnson grumbled as she pulls out a Phillips driver from her belt and fiddled with a small piece of machinery embedded in Keiko's skin.

"You could hardly call that being 'tortured' especially after what all your bosses put me through."

"Can you blame 'em? You're a misbehavin' pawn."

"Well, I'm sick of men having their way with me so there's absolutely no way I'm going to follow along in a plan that has the sole purpose of me getting pregnant. That's what the king and queen are supposed to do, have at it like crazy until a prince is born. A pawn is just supposed to be a pawn."

"So your ice powers made you frigid in bed, huh?"

"Ew. You know I hate puns."

"Liar. You secretly love that stuff." Johnson relinquished the arm and Keiko cautiously fingered the area where skin met machine in a clash of claret red. "So you  _still_  have those annoying ice powers, huh? I noticed the ice on that man's face earlier."

The old woman gave her a long glove that Keiko took, almost out of habit, and pulled and draped it over her arm, hiding the secret implanted in her skin.

"Yeah, I do. Funny, huh?" Keiko smirked as she glanced at her gloved hand and forearm. "That the thing causing men to be attracted to me is producing the only power I have to keep them at bay."

"Not funny, it's inconvenient." Johnson hissed comically.

Keiko chuckled, returning her arm to her side. "Having some form of inconvenience is a nice change of pace. I mean, heck, they let me out of the Interrogation room in a matter of minutes. That wouldn't happen unless I had this  _thing_  in me. Convenience after convenience. But when something inconvenient happens, the universe is set straight once again. So, for me, inconvenience is welcome anytime."

"You talk way too much for a woman. And as much as inconvenience may be welcome to you, it isn't for us."

"That's why it's nice." Keiko lifted her brows. "So did you figure out how they find out about me? And about Haru?"

Johnson sighed. "We have people working to find out. But it's likely that we've got a mole."

Keiko ground her teeth and glowered. "It'll only be a matter of time until I'll see  _them_  then. And I tried so hard to stay away from Edo."

"Hey. You never know. Maybe the only place you'll see your brother will be when you see the familial resemblance when you look in the mirror." Johnson laughed as she walks away.

"It's not my brother I'm worried about seeing."

That comment stopped Johnson mid-step.

"Either way, your stuff is with the the Shinsengumi Commander and there's going to be a flood of reporters later on today so be ready."

"Hai." Keiko murmured, rubbing her temples. Then she jerked suddenly and turned to her warden, grabbing her arm. "Johnson. Is he safe?"

Johnson looked down at her with unreadable eyes, then slowly stated, "As long as you stay here until the higher-ups are satisfied, he'll be fine."

A sense of defeat filled Keiko who released Johnson's arm as she stood. "I figured," she said with a half-laugh. "I'm a girl with out-of-control pheromones living in a confined area with over a hundred men who are devoted to the Bakufu…" Keiko chuckled softly and wryly. "You guys really aren't taking any chances, are you?"

"Of course not," the warden stood with a huff and looked up to Keiko, "So, get f*cked properly please."

"...Oi."

 


	4. Wooing a woman requires a set of skills that no man owns in full.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Decided to pick this back up again due to the renewal of the anime. Kudos and reviews are greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading!

The flicker of cameras deafened and the flashes blinded as Hijikata stood behind Keiko and Kondo as the press and various reporters badgered them with questions right outside the Shinsengumi headquarters.

The Vice-Commander took the chance to actually get a good look at their charge, finally, and without worry about being frozen.

Until now, he's only been able to get a glimpse of how she appeared mostly because her icing powers prevented him from getting a good look and that he really paid no attention to women, especially to details (and especially if they join Sougo in attempts to murder him).

But it is not that he generally ignored the existence of women – simply – only a very few could ever capture his attention and only one actually did.

After observing her, he noted that she did resemble Katsura. But, really, any person with long dark hair looks like him because the gorilla-author doesn't have much of an artistic repertoire for facial distinctions. So he couldn't claim their relation simply through that.

Like any other decently pretty Japanese woman except that her features were sharp and cold to match her eyes.

Then, he realized that she wore all black. He hadn't noticed earlier since black is standard for the Shinsengumi, but the dark black silk kimonos with dark grey flowers aren't very standard at all – for a woman, no less. And were those gloves?

"Yamamoto-san, are you really Katsura Haru – despite the fact that her death has been confirmed?" a reporter shouted out to her, bringing Hijikata's attention off from her.

He mentally shouted at Yamazaki for failing to bring that detail to him during his report.

The questions continued.

"Can we get a statement?"

"If you are a daughter of the Katsura family, how did the Jouishishi faction find out if you've been going by the name of Yamamoto Keiko?"

"Yamamoto-san!"

Keiko raised her hand and her eyes, politely demanding their silence. When they complied, she bowed her head slightly.

"Thank you for your time. I am Yamana-," she coughed. "I am Yamamoto Keiko. I am an employee of Sunset* Advertisement and Image Development. Three weeks ago, I was asked to act the part of the hostage in a real hostage setting to prove to the Edo society that the Shinsengumi is a functioning and competent police force. The rumor that I was Katsura Haru was leaked out to the Jouishishi as bait to have them attempt a kidnapping."

Hijikata attempted to mask his surprise at her statement. He glanced at his superior who, uncharacteristically (but not completely rarely), carried a stoic face as the cameras continued to flash and click.

Keiko went on, "I was chosen, specifically, due to my similar appearance to the late noblewoman, Katsura Haru, with whom I shared a close friendship. Therefore, on behalf of Sunset, we apologize for the deception to the public and to the Shinsengumi for even they were unaware of this agreement which was decided only between me, my superior and Matsudaira-sama," she said as she bowed again.

The reporters returned to their frenzy.

"Will you continue to work with the Shinsengumi to improve their image?"

"Was this in response to the increasing appraisal of the Mimawarigumi after their recent successes?" (At this, Hiijikata cringed).

"Were you compensated at all?"

"Yamamoto-san!"

Question after question bombarded her but all she did was bow again and stated that she had no further comment.

"She's awfully good at saving face." Johnson muttered as she watched Keiko enter back into the Shinsengumi Headquarters through a television screen. The old woman was sprawled on the tatami of the Japanese-style room, her small and old frame taking up hardly any space. She rustled through a gift box of dried persimmons set before her and grabbed one wrinkly blob of dried fruit with her own wrinkly fingers.

"More that she is good at weaseling out of thing," a voice responded from behind her.

"Well, haven't you turned into a dog with a bite? You were such a nice boy too." With a flick of her wrist, she popped a whole dried persimmon into her mouth and smacked her lips as she chewed.

"…"

"You don't need to force yourself to watch any of this, ya know." Johnson peered over her shoulder and examined the man who kneeled in disaffected silence. Another persimmon thoroughly chewed as she eyed him up and down.

Powerful yet restrained – seemliness ran from his posture to the muted expression on his face. He was a servant of competence and potency, this man of mystery – of mystery even to Johnson and Johnson wasn't sure if she liked that because she typically knows everything.

The man responded, "Johnson-dono, I am the one in charge of her performance. I must observe her progress." He replied, his gaze lowered out of respect.

"Why the Shinsengumi? With your history with them, you certain you would wanna put her in their midst?"

"They are all capable men with loyalty and skill that rival my own. The Amanto would need that if their wants are to be fulfilled."

"But the pride and arrogance of the Shinsengumi is their best trait. That's why you cut off ties, innit? You sure you want that and her stubbornness to be carried down into the next generation of this planet's leadership?"

"That is why I am assigned with the task of raising her child, Johnson-dono."

Johnson pursed her thin white lips. "…Why do you insist in using such titles? They are not even your own to use."

The man took a moment and then bowed apologetically but compulsorily. "If you do not mind, I would still desire to address you with the terms that belong to my father and my homeland." He stood to leave, his kimono robes shuffling against the tatami. "Farewell, Johnson-dono."

Johnson simply sighed and returned her attention to the television. Another persimmon. Then she muttered, "Your wife is just as troublesome as you are, Keiji"

Back at the headquarters, Hijikata lit his cigarette and followed his superior and Keiko through the hallways, utterly and completely frustrated.

"Kondo-san," Hijikata slurred, "Did you know any of this?"

Kondo stopped dramatically, causing Hijikata to stop and flinch. Then the Commander turned around, his eyes full of tears. .

"NOOO!" He sniffled. "Why doesn't Pops tell me these things?"

Hijikata exhaled in frustration.

Keiko simply blinked. She stiffly reached out and patted Kondo on the shoulder in awkward attempts to comfort him.

"I'm sorry, Commander. But it all turned out for the better, no?"

Kondo nodded and wiped away his manly tears.

Then, suddenly, he stopped his blubbering.

"Ah, Keiko-san, your hands are very dainty." Kondo muttered suddenly in a low and tender voice. He held her hands in his and gently peered into her eyes…

…leading Hijikata to scream "WHAT THE FREAKING F*CK" in his head and Keiko to drop her jaw in horror.

Without warning, she bludgeoned her forehead into Kondo's and sped off all before Hijikata could even register what had just happened.

"Kondo-san!" Hijikata cried out, worriedly. He rushed to his Commander's side only to find him out cold.

"KONDO!"

"Where the heck is she?" Hijikata mumbled as he roamed after putting Kondo in his room. As the Oni no Fukuchou stalked around for his prey, he tried to make sense of what he just saw…it wasn't really working.

'Seriously, what was that? Did Kondo just – no, no, no – he's too obsessed with that Shimura woman to make moves on another, right?'

Hijikata spat out his distaste with his standard "Tch". He would rather deal with the crazy Shimura than Queen Elsa any day.

He could feel his frustration growing ever since he had reluctantly accepted the order to protect her and when he felt like everything was about to reach the boiling point, he realized that the headquarters were empty. Eerily and unsettlingly empty – like the feeling that would form in his gut whenever their charge unleashed her freeze-ray-for-eyes on him, like a nightmare that could swallow him whole.

"…Where is everybody?" he questioned aloud.

"They're all in the mess hall." Sougo's voice resounded from the room besides him.

Hijikata immediately flung the door to the side, revealing Sougo dangling from the ceiling by a rope that tied him in a masochistic position.

"Oi, Sougo…Did you decide to become an M?"

"No no, it's not like that, Hijikata-san," the captain droned as he swung to and fro. "It's just that our charge really knows her knots."

"…Did you force yourself onto her?" Hijikata wasn't sure if he should add an 'also'.

"Eeh, I'm not that kind of person, Hijikata-san,"

"Really? Really? Your characterization says otherwise, you S-b*stard."

"I simply asked her if she was willing to have my **** ****ed into her ***** ***** **** ***."

"Oi, that's worse than forcing yourself onto her! Anymore than that the author is going to be forced by the admins to change the rating."

"Does it really matter though, Hijikata-san? This is a Gintama fanfiction, the readers should know what they're getting into if they read/watched this vulgar silver soul crap for 10/7 years."

"Oi. Don't justify your profanity with half-truths." Hijikata stuffed a hand into his pocket as he released his frustrations in a hardened sigh. "Why is everyone in the mess hall?"

"Yamamoto-san ran towards that direction, screaming about taking hot ramen broth and burning our overexcited crotches."

"OI! That wasn't even censored!"

"Then the rest of the men ran after her."

"Tch. That woman's really asking for it if she's bringing everyone to one place." Hijikata spat as he started running off towards the cafeteria.

"Hijikata-san, are you really going to leave me hanging - like this?" Sougo called after him, still swinging. "…Hijikata-san…

…but this actually isn't that bad."

* * *

 

"Come on, old lady, just let us see her!" some Shinsengumi officers shouted at the large woman guarding the door to the kitchen of the Shinsengumi mess hall.

"As if I'd let you dirty men into the kitchen!" she shouted back. "The kitchen is the haven of all women! There is absolutely no way we're going to let you in!"

"Argh, just let us past!"

"Hell no!" she screeched.

Keiko blinked her deadpan eyes as she heard the brawl starting just outside. She was sitting on a large metal table in the middle of two stovetops, a bowl of ramen nestled on top of her thighs.

"..." She turned to the other women manning the kitchen. "As much as I would like to displace some of the typical gender stereotypes, thanks for letting me stay here and eat ramen." She mumbled as she slurped up a couple noodles.

"No problem," one replied as she washed the dishes. "A pretty girl like you deserves better company. And get off the table, we make food on that."

"Eh, stop it," Keiko coquettishly laughed through a subdued smile while pulling her feet onto the table to sit cross-legged, "You're making me blush." She started chugging the rest of the soup then released a sigh of satisfaction.

"If you keep eating your ramen like that, you won't be the only one blushing. And get off the table," another cook noted.

Keiko glanced to the side, finally noticing the crowd of men crowding around the serving area with wide grins and dark blushes on their faces. Some of them even drooled.

She cringed and turned to one of the cooks.

"Did I, perchance, eat my ramen with my lips perked and my face all flushed and in a way that was erotic at all?"

"Yeah, pretty close. You weren't doing it on purpose then?"

"Dammit." She finally stood on top of the metal table.

"We told you to get off!" a cook screamed at her while throwing ladles in her direction as Keiko spoke patronizingly at the Shinsengumi, "If any of you step inside, I will personally cut off your Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong cannons before you can say ''Calcifer'."

But that just egged the men on even more. "Hai," or "Yes, Sophie," or "Nee-sama, please spit into my food!" they screamed in masochistic joy.

"Get off the d*mn table!"

Suddenly, a large explosion burst through the line of horny men, knocking nearly everyone (even the kitchen staff) down except for Keiko, who magically stayed on top of the table and simply had her black clothes billow about her like a majestic f*cking swan.

"You can't stay in there forever." Hijikata muttered as he stepped into the mess hall that he had just bazooka-ed into shambles.

"Sure I can." Keiko calmly retorted. There's food, sake, and women – everything that a person needs to live a life is all in here. "

"That. Shouldn't. Apply. TO YOU!" He yelled, repositioning the bazooka onto his shoulders for another go, his eyes ablaze.

"Fukuchou! Stop! She's supposed to be protected by us!"

But any warning was unheeded because the Demon Vice Commander had already released his anger in the form of missile flying straight towards the woman in black. She threw up her gloved arms to block it and felt herself being thrown against a wall.

Then, after the explosion, after the smoke settled, she forced her eyes open and found herself in a mess of …

"Mayonnaise?" Keiko lifted her mayo-covered arm in shock.

Indeed, the woman had been thrust into the Vice Commander's personal mayonnaise reserve by the force of the explosion.

"This is such a waste." She muttered, inspecting the lumps of the off-white cream that covered her body.

"Oi." Hijikata snarled as he slowly stomped into the kitchen through the settling smoke. "Have you calmed down yet, you little -?"

Then he paused, shocked by the scene before him – Yamamoto Keiko was licking mayonnaise off her wrists.

She stared up at him with her large, beautiful eyes. A sumptuous tongue parted her rosy lips, indulging in the bits of heavenly cream that peppered her soft skin.

He blinked. Hard.

But the image hadn't disappeared, instead, a deluge of completely uncharacteristic fantasy swept over him and he started to imagine himself pushing her down and helping her clean up the mess with his own mayonnaise-starved lips and-

Wait.

'What!? Beautiful!? Tongue…No, wait, I'm looking into her eyes-!'

And he was frozen.

_ I really don't like how this site does page breaks. Totally ruins the flow. Oh, wait, crap. That's what I'm doing right now, huh? Oh, well.

Keiko sat crouched over her left arm, a myriad of technical tools at her feet and a cloth bag at her side. She found refuge in one of the storage facilities a good distance away from the sleeping quarters. There were blankets, portable heating units, a stash of instant ramen in her bag and an extensive barricade of old building parts and boxes blocking the door.

She felt safe, well, for now.

"Dammit." She threw down a small screwdriver and wiped her hands on her pants. "They completely restructured the technology. It's going to take a while until –,"

Then a loud crash and the sound of her barricade falling apart erupted about her.

"So this is where you ran off to, huh?" Hijikata's typical slurring voice emerged from the midst of the wreckage.

Keiko stood up quickly, gloving her left arm with remarkable speed and arming herself with a screwdriver.

"What were you doing?" Hijikata asked, eyeing the mechanical tools.

"Giving myself a tattoo." She quickly responds, again, in a completely flat tone. She lowered her hand, realizing that he posed no threat…yet. "I see that you managed to thaw off and find a way in."

"No thanks to you, you damned woman."

"The author didn't even try to censor that one. Anyways, may I ask for a reason for you being here, Vice-Commander?"

"I need a heating unit. Winter is coming and the heated floors aren't enough." He stalked his way towards one of the ones Keiko had pulled out from their dusty homes. "Especially with you around, you d*mned ice woman."

"Ah, there we go."

"What have you done to my men? It's like a shoujo manga in here." Hijikata kneeled beside a heater and inspected it.

"You read shoujo manga?" she said incredulously and pulled something out of her bag and places it on her face.

Hijikata coughed as soon as she turned to face him with a pair of Groucho glasses and its obnoxious fake nose, fuzzy eyebrows and moustache. "Maybe that's why I can't take you seriously." Keiko continued.

"I don't want to hear that from you with those on! Take those off!"

She complied and stuffed them into her bag. "Besides, it's more like a seinen reverse harem bordering on a hentai than a shoujo manga, right?"

"How would I know!?" He yelled, hoping to disguise the fact the he was blushing at the mention of the more adult genres. "Either way, it's as if this universe turned into Hakuouki."

"…You do read shoujo manga, huh?"

"Shut up. What have you done to my men? Why are they coming to you like dogs in heat?" He frowned, remembering that even he had nearly succumbed to the "heat" despite the cold.

She framed her face with poised fingers and batted her eyes. "It's cuz I'm so beautiful and sh*t."

"Oi."

Keiko simply scoffed and started rebuilding the barricade.

"Well, oni no fukuchou, I'm hoping to camp out in here for the night so if you could kindly leave and not tell anyone – that'd be great." She said, half-hearted in her attempt to be polite.

"As if I'd let a woman – as d*mned as you are – stay out in here."

"And into a den of Bakufu dogs in heat? Besides, women aren't allowed in the Shinsengumi (which makes this whole arrangement absolutely ridiculous)."

"We're ordered to protect you."

"And you men are doing a fine-," she stopped herself and sighed. "It is really my fault that your men are acting like it's mating season even though it's nearly winter and I cannot quite explain it now so please," she bowed her head, "leave."

Hijikata repressed his groans as he reluctantly decided to comply because he could feel the flood of fancy seeping into his better judgment when she suddenly becomes polite. If he stayed any longer, who knows what he could have tried. And he didn't want to find out. He considers himself as being better than men who had no control over his carnal desires.

But, damn, her in those striped panties- 'STOP! Stop. Stop. Stop. Crap, the author didn't even censor- you could censor a lot quite a bit if Yamamoto-san – NO! No. No. No. Okay, leaving now.'

He managed to maintain his composure as he walked past her.

"You should change into something else other than that. Wearing all black is ominous – it's like you're in mourning." He muttered while he crossed the threshold.

"…It sure seems that way, huh?"

'What the hell does that mean?' he asked himself, making his way to his quarters.

The moon was high in the dark and chilly sky when Hijikata finally crawled into his futon, ready to go to sleep. The day had been long and tiresome.

Who knew that keeping his men from humping a girl would be so hard?

Who knew that keeping his own desires in check would be so hard?

He didn't even like her. In fact, he might even actually hate her. Yet whenever he was in her presence, he could feel something in his soul weakening – he couldn't quite name what was happening but articulating it hardly mattered because, in the end, he didn't like it, at all.

He settled his heavy head into the pillow, eager for some rest and disliking the idea of what tomorrow might bring with that mass of pheromones that he was assigned to protect.

Then, he could hear the door to his room slide open and close and sensed someone enter but no killing intent. He squinted his eyes open and saw Keiko's figure kneeling besides him.

"Dammit. I'm actually hearing things and hallucinating now, huh? Freaking fantasies." He grumbled and rubbed his temples.

"Oh? So you do have fantasies about me?" Keiko whispered and while Hijikata reacted, he found himself face to face with the barrel of a gun.

"God f*cking d*mmit."

 

**Author's Note:**

> ... 
> 
> "I want to be a cheesecake."
> 
> ...really though, that'd be pretty awesome.


End file.
